tHIS IS THE SINGLE MOST BRILLIANT THING I HAVE EVER HEARD I WAS IN HYSTERICS AT 2 CUIL
i find this hilarious considering The Cuil Theory was a popular meme back in 2012, with a similar format as a popular Welcome To Nightvale meme. “weird” posts would usually have an additional reblog with “and now, the weather” in reference to WTNV but for a few months, “weird’ posts would be ended with “i give you a hamburger”. the peak of the meme was around late october of 2012, the actual video itself being published february of 2012.
be cool 2 ur pets. they have a very small life and u r a god to them. guide them through their life like a really cool tour guide and leave them with the best impression of earth
IF YOU NEED TO CALL 911 BUT ARE SCARED TO BECAUSE OF SOMEONE IN THE ROOM, dial and ask for a pepperoni pizza. They will ask if you know you’re calling 911. Say yes, and continue pretending you’re making an order. They’ll ask if there’s someone in the room.
You can ask how long it will take for the pizza to get to you, and they will tell you how far away a dispatcher is.
My flat-mate’s date for the night was almost as drunk as her. She had passed out in her room and locked the door. He refused to leave because he wanted to have sex. He also demanded food because he was dealing with “whiskey dick”. He didn’t like the lack of food in the fridge. I called 911, did the stuff stated above, and he was getting PISSED about how long the “order” was taking. He took my phone, demanded they “hurry the fuck up”. Police arrived two minutes later, arrested him, and helped me file a police report. Pressing charges wasn’t necessary because he had warrants on him from THREE different states for the very thing he planned to do to me. Several months after this happened one of the officers informed me he was charged with two felonies because he crossed stay lines, and will be serving no less than 35 years in prison. The officer ripped into my flat-mate about her bringing home complete strangers, while drunk, knowing full well this shit could happen.
This was 14 years ago.
Do the pizza order, do it as calmly as you can. The dispatcher I spoke to said things like this:
“If he’s drunk say you want mushrooms.” I said I want extra mushrooms.
“If he’s threatening you with sexual assault say you want onions.” I said I want onions.
She went like this with different toppings and sauces for a description of him, like pineapple if he’s blonde, black olives if he’s tall, extra large if he’s tall, etc.
They’ve heard this sort of coded call before. They’re trained for it. They will understand what you’re saying. Order the pizza.
Really though. I’m in training for dispatch and this was one of the first things they taught us. Pretend you’re talking to a friend or relative, pretend you’re ordering pizza, we’ll figure it out. We’ll word questions so you can answer in an easy, casual way. Please, just make the call and we will do everything we can to help you.
Reblog to save a life
HOLY SHIT. THIS IS CRAZY.
THIS IS SO IMPORTANT
I AM A 911 CALLTAKER AND I CAN AFFIRM THIS IS A THING. I AM ALLOWED TO BREAK PROTOCOL FOR THIS.
ALSO, IF YOU DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE “ORDERING A PIZZA,” CALL AND LEAVE AN OPEN LINE. WE WILL STAY ON WITH YOU AND FIND YOUR LOCATION BASED ON GPS AND SEND SOMEONE. I HAVE DONE THIS MORE TIMES THAN NOT. WE ARE HERE TO HELP.
Don’t confuse my hatred of the hyperwealthy for jealousy over what they have. I don’t want a six figure sports car, or a 40 room mansion, or a gold leaf truffle wagyu steak dinner. I want redistribution of wealth that allows for infrastructural support of all citizens’ basic survival needs.
